After Court

After the court hearing/date, we were presented to the judge as bad parents and she made a lot of assumptions, and gave a very harsh criticism of the situation. She did not have the full picture, never asked us anything, we had no opportunity to speak, so how could she have the full picture or story?
She felt very comfortable in passing judgement though, all based on false or inflamed allegations.

We had no option but to stand there and take it, we had no right of reply, or correction, the process had been presented to us as "the quickest way out of court will do the relationship with your teen and your family the least harm" I will now say I do not believe it to be true.

In a phone conversation between our teen daughter and her father (my husband), the significant point I heard was:

That we got away with it, what she meant was that we got away with the crime and had not done time, I then realized, while she felt that way there was no way forward, she had no understanding, no maturity, and could not understand that we did what we felt was best, with the information we had at the time, hindsight is always a wonderful thing. She forgets that she was behaving in a manner which was alarming and needed to be stopped. Sending photo's of herself in underwear was not ideal at 15 years old, having a secret cellphone paid for by others was a concern, being online all hours of the night was not good for her sleep patterns and her moods, which then affected her study.

If I could go back I would have taken the matter to court, a trial by jury. I also would have taken her to the local benefit office and said, "she no longer wants to live at home, and she understands she can get a benefit please" That may have had a different outcome. The benefit office have apologized to me for not following correct procedure, but they do not correct their mistakes, so the current situation will remain.

Diary about my feeling over the last year....

I had started a diary of my feeling early this year, it was a decision I made on Valentines Day 2016, a diary to put my thoughts and feelings on paper, so I could get them out of my system.

It was written with the possibility to one share with my daughter, it would allow a look back at how I felt over time gone past, because as any journey, it is easy to forget how things felt back in time.

After nearly a year I have forward it to my daughter, I do not know if she will read any or parts.
If it will share it with friends and make fun of it, or if it may reach her heart.

After the court case has been an gone I was expecting to feel free of the burden and lighter, and with a more open heart towards the teen daughter. But I did not. After court the daughter wanted to catch up over lunch and set up a ten pin bowling outing as a family, I could not.
She felt we had got away with it all, and from our point of view, we felt she had got away with it. She had no remorse, she had lied in court, and what really hurt is the adults in court who should have heard the lie, say nothing at all. The judge did not notice the case did not add up.
We had to stand in the dock like criminals, and be blamed by a judge for things which were not wrong, which were not illegal, but things we had to do as parents. I did not want to read my daughters diary, but after advice was left feeling that if something was wrong with our daughter and we knew it, that reading it, was something I had to do. If it helped shed light on the issues it was the right thing to do.
Did I want to? No, I thought about it carefully, it did reveal some things I already suspected, she had shop lifted, and had skipped school, and was up to no good, she revealed about bulling a girl on the school bus.

I knew she must have been stealing, she had make up and no money, her explanations were weak, but how do you accuse her of that with no proof? I was very unsure, I did suggest the shop lifting, but that resulted in a temper melt down, which I hoped was enough to make her get honest.

Love and Hurt

“Why hurt someone whose only intention was to love you?”

For a parent to be hurt by a child, 

it is difficult to understand, 

Parents do all for their family, 

that is enough,

even if you are told it is not, 

They have not walked in your shoes, 

They don't know of the sacrifices you have made.

They don't know the difficult decisions which had to be made.

You know it all came from your heart and love,

and that is always enough.

When your teen takes the terror to the next level - New Zealand (part 2)

Our decision to confiscate the phone was not well received, our teen told her friends, and they had wrote us letters saying how our reaction was to great to fit the crime, all signed by friends. In hind sight we should have involved the other parents then possibly? It was clear to see the stories she told her friends were over dramatized.

We knew when she had a secret cellphone, as the land line was not being used, a clear indicator, but were unwilling to search for the phone, unsure what to do if we did, unsure who was paying for the phone and associated costs, and if in exchange for what?

I asked a acquaintance who was the youth aid police officer in a nearby town, she had no advice, "Eek, that's a tough one! We don't have a right or wrong answer for that one sorry." I was told that if we had instilled the rights and wrongs from an early age it should be OK in the long term.
Easier said then done, as you can see some clear signs which are disturbing.
We did nothing about the secret phone, until one day I caught her outside with it.....

She ran off, and I quietly followed, she slowed down and stopped to talk, but while we talked she kept the phone in her pocket, and took out the battery and SIM card, and put it back together (all while in her pocket!)
And then she handed to phone to me, I tried to turn it on, but would not work (surprise) and the daughter said "it is a old phone it doesn't always work well and can be hard to turn on"

Once home I tried to turn the phone on again, and after some issues, I discovered the missing battery and SIM card, meanwhile the daughter had hidden them. I asked for them and she said "I am 16 years old, and I can do what I want"

What response can you give to that? We asked for it many time, and tried to explain there were rules in our home, and she knew the rules. This made no impact on her at all. We came to a impassable situation.

We decided to search the bedroom, made the daughter sit the sofa, while we took turns looking for the SIM card and battery, the other parent would try to discuss the situation, while in our heads we were wondering what was important on the SIM card to feel the need to hide it from us? what was on there that was so bad? what had been going on?

I desperation I threatened to break the secret phone, but had no effect, and I felt I had no option but to carry out my threat. We found a journal hidden in her room, we tried to bargain with that, but after a while it was clear this was also not going to work, so I offered to read the journal, this was met with some aggression from my daughter, and my face was knocked and my glasses dislodged a couple of times, a minor assault really, but I took it on the chin as part of parenting a difficult teen. I did read some of the diary after that, and this was met with similar aggression, and the father had to intervene and place her back on the sofa, he was very careful and used a tea towel to ensure he would not hurt her. 

Our daughter became more aggressive and irrational, we also took away all her priviledged items, left her with essentials, such as school uniform, basic clothes, but this had no effect, the daughter became verbally aggressive, and at one point made some very disgraceful and derogatory comments to her father, I can quite clearly remember how it made me feel, I just knew she was trying to upset her father, and push his buttons, she wanted him to loose his temper, that was the sole purpose of those comments, it was very clear to me, her father did not hear those comments, which is best. In order to stop the tirade of abuse from our daughter, i hit her with a pillow a few times, and said "you want a pillow fight?" Which halted her verbal abuse.

In the end she offered to grab the SIM card and battery as long as we did not see her hiding spot, we would not agree to this, and so the search carried on, until she was tired and offered to grab them, but not tell us, which actually meant she grabbed the SIM card and battery, and gave them, BUT she had a 2nd SIM card and quickly put that in her bra.......we did not try to get that extra SIM card of her......as it was clear she felt she every right to do what she wanted. (PS the hiding spot was under the toilet brush holder in the bathroom)

We came away feeling lost, we knew we had made no progress or impact with our teen, and felt we had been pushed to the edge, and it was not our finest parenting hour, and just could not understand how our daughter came to be such a brat, and what parenting tools were best to use, there seemed no way forward. We knew that our parenting options were very much gone.

We just saw how our daughter would lie, and lie, and lie some more, all for her own selfish needs.

Mother or Daughter wanting to enstrange from Family (part 1)

Mother with enstranged Teen Daughter - New Zealand

My heart has slowly broken over the last year, my 15 year old daughter was informed by friends or school that legally once she turned 16 years old, she could legally do what she wanted.
Legally this is correct in our country (New Zealand), although we are legally responsible for her until she is 18 years old. Where is the sense in that law?

Keeping it in perspective, she was living in our home, we sent her to school, paid for the clothes, cellphone, food, school fees, sport fees, her horse, her medical care, her dental care, her art supplies....need I go on?

We had always supported her creative ans sporting interests, we had gone on family trips and holidays, she had always been allowed to decorate her bedrooms, She had a good life compared with many others. New clothes or 2nd hand ones she liked, always new school uniform, good shoes.

The tide just seemed to turn, as she had been told that legally at age 16 she could do what she wanted, she believed she could go to social services and get a youth allowance and move out of home, it all seemed to easy.

One day we discovered she had lied to us, it was quite clear to us, but she felt quite clever to think she had fooled the school and us with skipping the last class on friday, and went to a friends house where there were two boys, and they "hung out" for the rest of the afternoon. When I say she lied, she made a very great attempt at it, she had asked to go to the gym, but never went, and on the 30 minute car journey home, she explained in great detail what exercise she had done and what equipment she used, my husband said the lie was a impressive tale.

I checked her cell phone later that evening, (A phone we bought and paid the plan for), and found her lie, and her online activity, such as inviting a boy over for a naked shower, semi-naked photos of her self to a boy. A friend gave our home address to a boy to allow him to come over for a naked shower while we would be out for our son's soccer practice. 

We removed the phone, but she had another secret phone, which we also removed, then she used a friends Ipod to still message these same girls and boys, that was removed, she offered another old Ipod to show she was honest, sadly that was not the case, as there was one more we missed. (this was over a 2-3 hour period) It was caught out the next morning.

A week later we returned her phone, with the camera disabled.....
but other students at school thought we were terrible parents and paid and provide her with more phones and devices, we knew but did not catch her out with any for a few weeks, we did not know what to do......

We explained cyber safety, but the teens think they are being safe, semi-naked photos are just flirting....

to be continued...